Dave Attell Quotes

• I'm very romantic when I masturbate! I light a candle, that's right. Then I try and shoot it out! Never invite me to a birthday.
• Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
• Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
• Men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire, they're exactly alike.
• Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal... and you wonder why they attack you.
• So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
• The best you can do is just roll over and let it drip out.
• I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
• I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.